Beautiful day, my final day prior to starting Uberman. Woke up quite happy and refreshed after 6 hours sleep. I also slept very well about 2 hours yesterday afternoon. I think that all together I must be getting about 8-9 hours sleep right now, and loving it. But I am quite unfocused and tending to fritter away my time and indulge in caffeine.
All this is about to change though. I am calling this my “final day of freedom” because from tomorrow, and for the foreseeable future after that, my life will be ruled by the schedule. There can be no deviation from the schedule for at least a month, and my activities also will follow a preset pattern – 21 hours a day.
This is, without a doubt, the most exciting experiment in consciousness and lifestyle design of my life. My motivation is very strong, as I wrote previously, a combination of inspiration (desire to be more alive and make a greater contribution) and desperation (psychic survival – needing to earn a considerable income and yet still pursue my passions: community, relationships and personal development). I have been off work 11 days now and have spent half of that time in extensive online research and networking in the Polyphasic community. I have a good support system there now which is going to be very important. I am as ready as I ever will be – just traces of a lingering cold, but I can’t afford to wait any more.
I am planning out the next two weeks now, and I need to make the “long list” of things to do today. The overall plan looks like this:
Out of my six daily shifts of 3 1/2 hours:
- 1 shift directly looking for work over the net and/or taking on small contracts, especially ghostwriting – I would like to try my hand at that, as this is how Brian McElroy got his start and I am very intrigued by possibilities there. Also looking for a market for my own writing.
- 1 shift of work-related research and study (ie study Powerpoint, Captivate, Photoshop). I also may look at the StomperNet SEO course.
- 1 shift of housework and paperwork organizing (intending to completely clean out the basement, organize all my papers, empty my inbox and do 2007 taxes)
- 3 shifts R&R, hopefully including as many as possible of: walk outside or swim; reading for instruction or entertainment; listening to music and/or studying the banjo; talking on the phone (and meeting if possible, but this is difficult when I can’t drive); Polyphasers IRC chat; gaming, ideally multi-player; and cooking / shopping for food.
I am not sure what my effectiveness will be in these tasks, I can only do my best (and dream :-). Hopefully I should be semi-functional within a week, but I am giving myself two weeks to work it out without putting heavy pressure on myself to make money (income generation activities during this time are recommended but optional – if I survive it will be sufficient :-).
The schedule isn’t actually too different from my ideal schedule (desired end-result), which would be: 2 shifts direct income generation, one shift indirect income generation (work-related study, research and marketing), one shift pure research (consciousness development) and 2 shifts community development, networking and self-care. Something like that anyway – will adjust as need be.
I got feedback yesterday (indirectly through Rebekah) that I am extremely self-involved. This is true obviously, however I consider it more likely that I am about equally self-involved as the average person, just more self-expressive about it. Regardless I thought it was good feedback, which I always take in the spirit of “take what you like and leave the rest”. Most such feedback speaks more of the person giving it than me, but I appreciate it because it tends to nudge me in a direction that I need to go in anyway. It would certainly not be a bad thing for me to pay more attention to other people. At the same time, the package I come in is what you get – it can be somewhat improved on (and thank God for that!) but deep personal transformation is a slow process, fraught with perils, and rarely successful (same as Uberman, and probably for the same reasons – if it doesn’t come from true self-love it’s doomed).
Whether or not I am coming from self-love remains to be seen. Without over-stating it, however, I feel that everything I have done in my life until now has been in preparation for this. Failure is not an option. I have discovered though, through experience, that such leaps of consciousness are best kept to myself or to a semi-private blog.
As I get older (and hopefully wiser), there is one fundamental belief that wells up inside me with the same power as “we hold these truths to be self-evident”: that until I can fully own the “courage of my convictions” and start to pursue my passions and dreams with the entire force of my being and with all the intelligence, resources and determination that I have been endowed with by my creator – until that truly happens I am fucked. I would rather die than live an ordinary life or attempt to medicate myself into being satisfied with mediocrity (even if such a thing were possible, which it appears not to be – I have tried, believe me). The package I come in has elements of pathology and elements of genius. Which one will win out only the future will tell, but if I don’t go full-out here the end-result is guaranteed.
This poem comes to mind:
WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Taken from the book
When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple
Edited by Sandra Martz
Papier Mache Press–Watsonville, California 1987
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Next article in this series: My Manifesto – Part 2
